I will trust You while I wait

I've been meaning to update my blog for a few days now, and today worked out perfectly to do it, because it's a public holiday and there is no school. Anyways, I want to say thank you for all the prayers and support y'all have been giving me since my last post. I have felt so much of that joy and excitement come back into my life, and it's such a relief to me! And although I know Satan isn't going to stop trying to discourage me, I'm also not going to let him win the battle. He can't win the battle because our King has already won the war! This truth has kept me motivated for several days now, and I'm glad I have y'all to remind me. My friend Kat told me the other day- "The fact that you said you're scared this means it's over, proves that you don't want it to end!" And ever since I read her comment, her words have been echoing in my mind. She's right- I DON'T want it to end! But I feel this differently from how I used to. I used to not want to even leave Uganda, but now, I'm looking forward to going home and finding what God wants me to do there. For the longest time I've felt called to Uganda long term, but I'm not sure I do any more. I'm not saying I can't see myself coming back, but I think I just got ahead of myself and figured since God has called me to missions, that He was leading me here. And He very well might be! I would love to come back again after this trip; but at least for right now, I can only see myself here short term. I can't see myself living here like I used to plan on doing after I graduate next year.

Wanna know the cool thing though? This time, I'm not worried. It doesn't scare me or upset me that this might be my last time here for a while, but instead, I'm at peace with it. I guess that's how God is reassuring me that He isn't done yet. This time last week, I was wrecking my brain trying to figure out why I didn't feel the same joy as I used to, and that's when I became scared that my time here was all coming to an end... and I really don't want it to end! But at the same time, I have peace with this possibility because I know God has a plan and He is going to lead me where I can bring glory to Him. Later that evening after I posted on my blog, I was reminded by one of my favorite singers (Lauryn Taylor Bach; now in 1 Girl Nation), that God knows where I'll be the happiest. For the past few years, I've felt happiest here in Uganda, but I know that wherever He leads me, I'll be even happier there! It's interesting to think about, but I know it's true. 

Lately I've been reminded that God's plan is so big, that we can't even possibly begin to understand or imagine it. And I'm thinking this truth has been on my mind because Uganda has been MY dream. I've dreamt about moving to Uganda, teaching the children, adopting some of my own, and making a beautiful life here. But that's just the thing... God is the one who made my beautiful life and has it planned out- NOT me. Whether or not He's wanting me in Uganda long term still hasn't been revealed, so I'm choosing to take a step back and let Him lead. And this is where the peace comes in! Normally, I would be panicking right now, wondering why I can't see the path I'm supposed to take. However, I'm not the same me. I've changed a lot, because God has changed me. And I know that I just have to stop searching for the answers, and know that He's going to have His way, and that His way is the best way.

All of this said, I want you to know that I really am enjoying this trip. The students are wonderful and have reminded me time and time again why I love being here... and they've done it without even trying! Yesterday morning I danced around the school yard with several children holding on to me who were laughing and singing and dancing along as well! The teachers just watched and laughed, thinking I was crazy. And I was... crazy determined to make the supposedly "worst day of the week", the best day to the start of many more best days to come! I had a wonderful day, although somewhat crazy, but I like that it was crazy... It was crazy good! And it wasn't anything I did, but rather what God did. He reminded me that this trip was indeed part of His plan, and that He had made that evident before I even came. He reminded me that for now, He does want me here, because it's part of what He's preparing me for.

Thanks again to everyone who has been praying for me and supporting me all this time. To mom and dad- thanks for always believing in me and supporting where God has me right now, even though I know you wish I wasn't so far away. Love you both so much and I can't wait to see you again! Sydney- In your own way, I know you support me too. I feel your prayers and love even though we haven't really talked about it much, and I love you so much lil sister! To all of my family- Having your prayers and support means more to me then you can imagine. Kaylee Wilson, you're the one who encouraged me not to give up when Google tried to keep me out of my blog, and now, I'm posting my 3rd update for this trip! Thanks for that, and thanks to all of you for supporting me, and for believing in me, and I hope I can continue to make you proud. To all my friends- thanks so much for the encouraging words you've given me through the hard days, and for continuing to pray for me even in the good days. You all mean the world to me, my dear friends, and I'm so thankful God has filled my life with amazing people like you to remind me that God is going to make me stronger through all of this. Miss y'all and can't wait to give you big hugs when I get back! To my amazing church family- Y'all have supported me in these trips for almost 4 years now, and I can't begin to tell you how much this means to me. Having your encouragement and prayers means so much, and I am so thankful for you all! I want you to know that I do feel God is in this trip, as He has been in the others, and as He will be if or when I come back again. That said, Thanks to each and every one of you!

From this day forward, with all of my readers as witnesses, I believe that God is leading me somewhere big. It may be to Uganda, it may not. But I'm giving up my dreams. I'm gonna stop listening to my own heart and trying to chase after it's hopes, and instead, I'm gonna follow God's heart. After all, doing that is the only way I'm ever going to be able to fulfill my heart's desire... or rather, how He will. For those of you who read my blog about it before the trip, you remember that my heart's desire is to make a mark, to make a change... To change the world.

I truly believe with all my heart that, as long as I follow God's heart, my heart's desire will be fulfilled. Because if I follow His heart, His desires become mine, and everything else will work together for good and for His glory.

I need only trust in Him, believe He's still working, and wait. 

Fight Forever

For this post, I'm going to go a different direction from my original intentions. Normally, I would update y'all on the latest news about the school, how my teaching is going, how the kids are doing, something interesting I experienced... I usually just tell you what's been happening. But today, I have something else to tell you about. I'd like to share with you about something I have personally been struggling with, and honestly, I didn't want anyone to know at first. Not because I want y'all to think everything is perfect and happy all the time, but because what I've been facing these last few days has me a little, scared, I suppose. But my dad told me last night, "God has blessed us with wonderful people who will rise up and pray with us." And after hearing that, I knew I needed my prayer warriors... especially now.

            Most of you know that normally, all I ever talk about is how I want to be in Uganda. You've all heard me say that "I miss them so much!" and "I want to be there so badly." and sometimes "5 weeks just doesn't feel like enough time." For some of you, you can probably remember me saying on a couple of occasions, "I really just can't imagine being anywhere else." And at the time, I meant it with everything in my soul. Even when we were coming here, and when we landed and I felt that joy again, and even for the first few days, my heart still sung those words. But now, I don't hear that song anymore. That fire that was once burning in my heart, longing to be in this place... I no longer feel the flames. I'm not saying that I don't love being here, please don't misunderstand me. I'm just trying to explain that, in some ways, I don't feel like my heart is here anymore. That piece of my heart that I've always felt was left here... I can't seem to find it. It's like I just can't seem to put all of myself into this work like I used to, and that is what scares me.

            I don't really know how this feeling crept it's way into my mind. A few days ago, I remember being so on fire, and ready to go. Michael was telling me earlier that day that my nana and paps had told him about how I felt lead to the mission field, and that I was wanting to come here. Well, I didn't really want Michael to know that yet, because he tends to get ahead of himself and expect things, and at this point I'm really trying to find what God wants me to do. But he knows now, and I can't change that. And at first, I was okay with it because he was just saying that he was praying for me to come, and that the teachers and the church were praying, and that he had an office already planned out for me if I came. I felt so honored! But then at the PTA meeting later that day, he told all the teachers "And she has promised me that very soon, she will return and be with us for many, many, many years!!"

            THAT was the exact reason I had been keeping my feelings to myself. I never promised that to Michael, and never once did I say the words "many, many, many years." But I couldn't correct him, so I just gave it to God, because knew I needed to wait, and see what his plan was. Later that evening, I realized that this very well might be my last trip to Uganda for a while. This time next year is when I really need to be looking into schools, and attending college visit days, and trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing. But if I do that, I won't be able to come to Uganda. And if I don't do it then, it will be quite a while before I'll be able to come back.

            Well, as I considered this, I decided to just enjoy every moment, and not let even one go to waste, just in case this was my last time for a while. And for about 2 days, I was resting in this, and I felt at peace.

I had no idea that it was only temporary peace.

            Suddenly, I wasn't as confident as I used to be in what I thought God's plan for me was. I used to feel so sure that He was leading me to Uganda, that I would have promised Michael that I'd be coming back for a long time. But now, I can't say those words without the sound of question shaking my voice. Since Sunday night, I've started to have late night conversations with God in my room, where I would spend close to half an hour just pacing the floors, trying to make sense of what I was feeling. Mostly, I was trying to rationalize the confusion, which I quickly realized was not going to be a possibility.  I remember telling God:

 "I used to think you had spelled everything out to me; like you had made the way perfectly clear. But now I feel doubtful, and It scares me, God. I don't feel as passionate about this place as I used to. I can't see myself being here long term, anymore. And in less than a year, I'm going to have a huge decision to make, and I'm afraid of taking the wrong road. I used to feel lead to Uganda, but lately, I could also see myself being a counselor, working with teens who have been struggling. But on the other hand, you just helped me write 2 songs, and they came so naturally, that now I'm wondering if you're leading me into the music ministry!! God, everything used to seem so clear. But now it's just all a blur, and the lines don't seem as straight visible as they did before. Please, just show me the way. Let your plan become known to me, because I can't handle this. I can't handle this confusion on my own, God, and I don't want to get off track again!"

            I wasn't sure how to tell all of you about this, or if I was even going to. I was afraid you would think that this trip never really meant anything to me, and that's simply not the case. This time 2 weeks ago, I was bouncing off the walls with excitement. But now... I'm not bouncing anymore. I feel like Satan has both hands on me, and he's dragging me down with all his power. That joy in my heart I told you about in my last post... I can't find it anymore, and I'm scared that this means it's over. But I'm even more afraid that this IS where I'm supposed to be, and I'm not putting all of my heart and soul into it, and I'm gonna get off God's track for me again, and I don't want to do that! Everything seems so different now, and I don't like this feeling of confusion and darkness clouding up my mind. I want that joy back!! I want the fire to ignite in my soul again, I want God's dreams for my life to become reality, and I want to help the lost get found!!

The problem is... how do I help the lost get found, when I feel lost myself?

            Alright, I'm crying now, so I'm gonna wrap this up. I just want to ask you to please pray for me, that the joy I once had will come back, and that somehow, the flames will grow bigger, and I won't feel this way anymore. And also, please pray that God will make his plan for me known. But most of all, please join me in beating Satan with the power of prayer. Because alone, I can do nothing. But I know, even now, that when a bunch of God fearing believers rise up, join hands, and work together.... He is made powerless, and God is VICTORIOUS!

My favorite band, Anthem Lights, has a song called Fight Forever. And from it, this is what my soul is chanting:

I'm not done fighting. I'm not raising the white flag, and I'm not gonna run or turn back. 

I'm not done fighting. I'm not raising the white flag, and I'm not gonna run or turn back. 

I'm not done fighting. I'm not raising the white flag, and I'm not gonna run or turn back.

I'm gonna fight forever.

Wonderful, Beautiful, Crazy LOVE

"I have never been so happy to be in an airport in my entire life!" I told my paps as we walked through the airport in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. We had just gotten off of a 12 1/2 hour flight, and I probably slept for no more than a few hours total of that entire flight. I was seriously a mess! But we were almost there- almost to Uganda! After a few hours in Ethiopia, including a delay because our plane was late, we made our final 2 hour flight to Entebbe, Uganda. The moment I stepped off that plane, I felt so re-energized. I was ready to go! Unfortunately, that didn't quite matter once we got inside the airport. We stood in line for about an hour, just to get our visa! Talk about frustrating. But all of our luggage made it, so that was a wonderful feeling! Finally, after a long drive from Entebbe to Jinja, we made it to Johan's house right before dark- Perfect timing!

Monday morning I woke up with that feeling; the same feeling I get every time I'm here... joy and excitement. I went to the school with Michael to meet the children, and was so amazed at what God has done there in the past year. They now have 3 nursery classes, 5 primary grades, 5 new class rooms, a new office, outhouse, and cooking area, and a fence that surrounds most of the compound. They also have sidewalks, stairs, grass, and roofs- on ALL of the buildings!! Incredible, right?! If any of you read my posts from last year, you probably remember what it was like before. I love being reminded that God is able to provide all that is needed... and then some!!

Tuesday was my first day teaching, and it was awesome! Wild, but I expected it to be. I was supposed to have two P.E. classes that morning, but the school yard was pretty muddy because of last nights rain storm... it POURED!!! But hey, the school didn't flood, and this in itself made me laugh with joy. Anyways, I lead a few music classes to fill the time where those kids would normally be in P.E. They loved it! They remember the tootie-ta, Hold Me... they even remember the motions to Jesus Loves Me that we taught them!! It was exciting. In one of my classes I actually just played the chords to one of my favorite Christian songs and let them dance around... joyful morning in the fullest!! What I didn't know, is that shortly after, I'd be going into the lions den.

Sarah, one of the nursery teachers, came to me and asked for me to teach her students while she went into Jinja to go to the hospital. I agreed of course, even though she seemed to be perfectly healthy and well. After she left, I began to go over their lesson, which was mostly letters and numbers. They were doing so well for a while, so I decided to reward them with some of the candy I brought... word to the wise, do not, under any circumstances, give 4 and 5 year olds candy when you are still expecting them to finish a lesson!! I look at that decision now and wonder what in the world I was thinking... Insanity broke out. Some kept getting up every few minutes and running around, no matter how many times I sat them back down. Some were hitting each other, others were sitting on the desks, and all of them were yelling. Eventually another teacher helped me, but lets just say that I had never been so thankful for recess.

The rest of the day went pretty well. I spent some time with the younger children; or really, I guess I should say that I spent some time having them grab my arms and legs and make me nearly fall to the muddy ground a number of times. At some point a teacher asked them to let me relax, and I was able to play with them without being pulled down to my doom. Ha-ha, I'm kidding. I mean, it was stressful, and there were moments when I felt like I might develop claustrophobia, but I really did enjoy spending time with those kiddos- I always do, no matter how crazy it is!

A lot of school supplies was donated for me to bring to the students, as well as some money to buy supplies for them here, and I want to let all of you know how much it has been appreciated! Monday we went into town before dinner and bought 200 notebooks at an insanely amazing price! They are small, but the good part is that we're able to get more. I saved the big notebooks that were given for the 5th graders, since they do the most work, and I actually ran out! We went into town after school Tuesday and got some more, so all of the students in that class have now received a good sized notebook. Anyways, where I'm meaning to go with all of this, is that the teachers and students really appreciate all of the supplies that they were given. It may not seem like much to us, but it is a lot to them. It's about as big a deal as getting the uniforms last year!! It's just something they can't do on their own, and they really are so thankful for all of you who sent things to help them. 

All day Tuesday, I had the lyrics stuck in my head from one of my favorite songs: Love Like Crazy, by 1 Girl Nation. I know I seem to talk about music a lot, but just bare with me, cause I promise i'm going somewhere with this! No matter what I did that day, the words just kept replaying in my mind. "It's a desert out there, people running scared, looking everywhere for hope," and "we are meant to burn bright, be a light, illuminate the night sky." But most of all, "We're gonna let it shine, we wanna live like Christ." In every moment I experienced that day, I heard these words. I know now that this was a lesson for me; that in the good moments, and the bad or stressful moments, I have to Love Like Crazy. I mean, these kids have given it a whole new meaning to me! They have loved me from the first moment they saw me... even those who had never met me! I feel so blessed to be here with them, and I refuse to let even one day go to waste! I know God has a plan, and I am so very thankful to be a part of it.

BRB... gonna go LOVE LIKE CRAZY :)