Fight Forever

For this post, I'm going to go a different direction from my original intentions. Normally, I would update y'all on the latest news about the school, how my teaching is going, how the kids are doing, something interesting I experienced... I usually just tell you what's been happening. But today, I have something else to tell you about. I'd like to share with you about something I have personally been struggling with, and honestly, I didn't want anyone to know at first. Not because I want y'all to think everything is perfect and happy all the time, but because what I've been facing these last few days has me a little, scared, I suppose. But my dad told me last night, "God has blessed us with wonderful people who will rise up and pray with us." And after hearing that, I knew I needed my prayer warriors... especially now.

            Most of you know that normally, all I ever talk about is how I want to be in Uganda. You've all heard me say that "I miss them so much!" and "I want to be there so badly." and sometimes "5 weeks just doesn't feel like enough time." For some of you, you can probably remember me saying on a couple of occasions, "I really just can't imagine being anywhere else." And at the time, I meant it with everything in my soul. Even when we were coming here, and when we landed and I felt that joy again, and even for the first few days, my heart still sung those words. But now, I don't hear that song anymore. That fire that was once burning in my heart, longing to be in this place... I no longer feel the flames. I'm not saying that I don't love being here, please don't misunderstand me. I'm just trying to explain that, in some ways, I don't feel like my heart is here anymore. That piece of my heart that I've always felt was left here... I can't seem to find it. It's like I just can't seem to put all of myself into this work like I used to, and that is what scares me.

            I don't really know how this feeling crept it's way into my mind. A few days ago, I remember being so on fire, and ready to go. Michael was telling me earlier that day that my nana and paps had told him about how I felt lead to the mission field, and that I was wanting to come here. Well, I didn't really want Michael to know that yet, because he tends to get ahead of himself and expect things, and at this point I'm really trying to find what God wants me to do. But he knows now, and I can't change that. And at first, I was okay with it because he was just saying that he was praying for me to come, and that the teachers and the church were praying, and that he had an office already planned out for me if I came. I felt so honored! But then at the PTA meeting later that day, he told all the teachers "And she has promised me that very soon, she will return and be with us for many, many, many years!!"

            THAT was the exact reason I had been keeping my feelings to myself. I never promised that to Michael, and never once did I say the words "many, many, many years." But I couldn't correct him, so I just gave it to God, because knew I needed to wait, and see what his plan was. Later that evening, I realized that this very well might be my last trip to Uganda for a while. This time next year is when I really need to be looking into schools, and attending college visit days, and trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing. But if I do that, I won't be able to come to Uganda. And if I don't do it then, it will be quite a while before I'll be able to come back.

            Well, as I considered this, I decided to just enjoy every moment, and not let even one go to waste, just in case this was my last time for a while. And for about 2 days, I was resting in this, and I felt at peace.

I had no idea that it was only temporary peace.

            Suddenly, I wasn't as confident as I used to be in what I thought God's plan for me was. I used to feel so sure that He was leading me to Uganda, that I would have promised Michael that I'd be coming back for a long time. But now, I can't say those words without the sound of question shaking my voice. Since Sunday night, I've started to have late night conversations with God in my room, where I would spend close to half an hour just pacing the floors, trying to make sense of what I was feeling. Mostly, I was trying to rationalize the confusion, which I quickly realized was not going to be a possibility.  I remember telling God:

 "I used to think you had spelled everything out to me; like you had made the way perfectly clear. But now I feel doubtful, and It scares me, God. I don't feel as passionate about this place as I used to. I can't see myself being here long term, anymore. And in less than a year, I'm going to have a huge decision to make, and I'm afraid of taking the wrong road. I used to feel lead to Uganda, but lately, I could also see myself being a counselor, working with teens who have been struggling. But on the other hand, you just helped me write 2 songs, and they came so naturally, that now I'm wondering if you're leading me into the music ministry!! God, everything used to seem so clear. But now it's just all a blur, and the lines don't seem as straight visible as they did before. Please, just show me the way. Let your plan become known to me, because I can't handle this. I can't handle this confusion on my own, God, and I don't want to get off track again!"

            I wasn't sure how to tell all of you about this, or if I was even going to. I was afraid you would think that this trip never really meant anything to me, and that's simply not the case. This time 2 weeks ago, I was bouncing off the walls with excitement. But now... I'm not bouncing anymore. I feel like Satan has both hands on me, and he's dragging me down with all his power. That joy in my heart I told you about in my last post... I can't find it anymore, and I'm scared that this means it's over. But I'm even more afraid that this IS where I'm supposed to be, and I'm not putting all of my heart and soul into it, and I'm gonna get off God's track for me again, and I don't want to do that! Everything seems so different now, and I don't like this feeling of confusion and darkness clouding up my mind. I want that joy back!! I want the fire to ignite in my soul again, I want God's dreams for my life to become reality, and I want to help the lost get found!!

The problem is... how do I help the lost get found, when I feel lost myself?

            Alright, I'm crying now, so I'm gonna wrap this up. I just want to ask you to please pray for me, that the joy I once had will come back, and that somehow, the flames will grow bigger, and I won't feel this way anymore. And also, please pray that God will make his plan for me known. But most of all, please join me in beating Satan with the power of prayer. Because alone, I can do nothing. But I know, even now, that when a bunch of God fearing believers rise up, join hands, and work together.... He is made powerless, and God is VICTORIOUS!

My favorite band, Anthem Lights, has a song called Fight Forever. And from it, this is what my soul is chanting:

I'm not done fighting. I'm not raising the white flag, and I'm not gonna run or turn back. 

I'm not done fighting. I'm not raising the white flag, and I'm not gonna run or turn back. 

I'm not done fighting. I'm not raising the white flag, and I'm not gonna run or turn back.

I'm gonna fight forever.