Am I dreaming too big?

This question has been on my mind a lot lately... more so now than ever. When I was little I didn't think it was possible to dream "too big". As a child I was constantly changing my mind, finding new dreams, and my imagination grew more and more wild. Nothing was impossible, and I could be anything I wanted to be! And believe me, at the time, I dreamt of everything... but of all my dreams, only one has remained. Singing. When I was little I used to sing all the time; I'd perform for my family, my church, in school talent shows... every chance I got. For a few years I was even convinced I was meant to be the next Taylor Swift. I'm not even kidding. Then when I was 13, I went through a really hard time, and in addition to all the other things that brought me down in that year to come, a sudden hit of reality crashed into me... my dream wasn't something that I could just walk into. It was something that would come with a lot of challenges, and at 14 years old, I came to the conclusion that my dream was unrealistic and impossible. For a while I did my best not to think about it, and then it seemed that God showed me my perfect path, my destiny! I truly believed He was telling me Uganda was my future. After all, I know He's called me to the mission field. At the time, though, I was pretty closed minded to the idea of not being led overseas... somehow I had gotten the impression that foreign missions was what I had to do if I was going to follow this call to the mission field. I in no way thought that was the ONLY mission field, but I was 99% positive it was the mission field I was being directed towards.

Then a trip to Uganda actually showed me that I needed to be more open minded and really pray about that other 1%.

I'm going to be completely honest with you guys and just tell you that I didn't really expect that the 1% of the equation would turn out to be my "impossible dream"... and I never imagined it could seem more possible than a future in Uganda. I mean, if i'm being totally real with you guys, I had all but forgotten about my dream of being a singer until then. I daydreamed about it occasionally, but suddenly it was all I could think about, to the point that the idea of failure set it. I guess that's what made all of this real for me; with my dream of Uganda, I never wondered if I was dreaming too big. I never wondered if what I was doing would be too difficult, or if it would have challenges I couldn't handle... I never even questioned if I could live a life like that. I was just all in, ready to go, no doubts. So in the fall of 2013 when all of the fears, questions, and doubts hit at once, I knew something wasn't right, and I knew God was trying to tell me something. Even so, when my dream of singing started to redevelop and stir my heart in ways I had never experienced before, I was hesitant to dream "too big". After all, the one thing that made sense to me for so long was suddenly fading out of the picture, and I was scared to feel let down again.

Eventually I opened up to the idea that this could possibly be a road worth pursuing, at least for a little while. I figured if nothing else, I could at least keep it as a hobby; singing and songwriting, I mean. Then as time passed and 2014 rolled around, I got more and more into the idea, and I really started to ask God if this is what He had in store for me. Before long I started to put all of myself into this dream. All I could, anyways. About that time was when the fears set in; the doubts and the wondering. I remember going into my room one afternoon when I was feeling particularly doubtful; I began pacing the floor and speaking my heart to God, asking Him to guide me and reveal his plan to me. I remember the words "I can't handle the confusion! I can't do this alone!" had come from my mouth as a cry for help. That's what it was... because I needed God's help with this. I was feeling confused about what to do, doubtful that my dream could come true, and above all, I felt completely and totally useless for what I was dreaming. The fear of not being good enough, or not being capable... the fear of failing... It all felt like too much. The idea of me being a Christian artist and touching lives with the message of God in songs I could write, and inspiring young people the way may favorite artists inspire me... well, let's just say it was an intimidating idea, and over all I just couldn't see how God could use me for something that important. I had heard several people say that if your dream doesn't scare you a bit or isn't intimidating, you might not be dreaming big enough. This was some comfort to me, but not the comfort I needed. I needed God's comfort... and I got it.

In the midst of all of this... in my moment of weakness, in my moment of fear and doubt, I felt God there with me. I felt His comforting embrace, and I felt Him whisper into my heart. Now anytime I feel doubtful, I simply remember that when I can't do something, God walks with me and says "But I can."

The doubts still come sometimes, but not nearly as much as they used to. Lately though, a new question has been captivating me, and it's the one that inspired this post: Am I dreaming too big? I mean really, could I just be letting my imagination run wild? Am I thinking unrealistically here? Maybe. That's what I told myself: maybe. I wondered about this for a while, and eventually just tried to bury it deep inside of me and forget about it. And for a while I succeeded in not letting the question rule my thoughts. Then March 8th came around, and everything resurfaced... In a very surprising way.

My mom and I had made the journey to Louisville Ky that weekend for the Girls of Grace conference. I was registered for the VIP experience (my birthday present) and couldn't wait for the day's events to unfold... mostly because I was going to get to meet Britt Nicole, who was performing that afternoon. In the weeks leading up to the conference I had thought over and over again about what I wanted to say to her. At one point I really considered sharing my dreams with her and asking for prayer, but when the big day finally came, I didn't even think about it. Not even when she walked into the VIP meet and greet area, and not even when she came over to me. She signed my cd and poster, we took a picture, we talked for a while, we hugged... but I never shared my heart with her. I did tell her that her music had helped me through a lot and that she has really inspired me, but I just didn't feel the urge to say anything else. A minute later I noticed that when signing my poster, she had written "I believe in you!" in the corner above her name... I almost cried. I hadn't told her what I had thought about telling her, yet she still wrote it. Those three little words touched my heart, and everytime I look at that poster on my wall, all I can do is smile. But that wasn't all that happened that touched me- nope, God worked wonders through Britt that day, and I'm still amazed how it all happened. When she was on stage, she mentioned me and said that she remembered meeting me backstage. I remember only a few parts of the next few minutes, because what happened left me completely shocked. I remember her saying she remembered me and talking about me for a minute... but it wasn't until a few weeks ago that I was reminded of another piece of the day. A friend of mine who I met at the concert had taken a video of Britt talking to me from stage and shared part of it on instagram. When I watched it back, it was Britt looking at me and saying "He (God) want's you to dream big, Taylor. He wants you to dream bigger than you ever thought you could! He says that you can do the impossible- He says that over your life!"

I saw this video for the first time about a month ago, probably... God's message for me in it just hit me this morning. I was watching it and I realized something she said towards the end: "He says that you can do the IMPOSSIBLE". I've thought about those words she spoke over and over again, yet somehow I'm just now seeing that God gave me my answer. I can do the impossible- this is something I've wondered about time and time again, and God used Britt to tell me that I wasn't dreaming "too big", and that with Him at my side, I can do the impossible. My impossible dream isn't too big for God, and He will use me according to His plan. The same goes for you and YOUR impossible dream... It isn't too big for God, and He will use you according to His plan.

He just needs us to be willing. 

Love Day

Naturally I threw myself a bit of a pity party this morning as I am single on the one day when everyone is talking about their relationships. However, I'm done with that now. Yeah, I wish I had a boyfriend... But who says Valentines Day is all about having a significant other?! I have an awesome family and an amazing group of friends whom I love VERY much, and I know they love me! Also, I have a Heavenly Father who loves me enough that He sent His son to die for me... THAT is love. So although I do want to be in a relationship, I'm still 16, and I'm not gonna dwell on the fact that I'm a single pringle right now. Besides, the guy God has for me is worth waiting for. I just wish I knew how long I'll be waiting ;) 

I want to say Happy Valentines Day to all of you reading this. Let's not make this day just about having a boyfriend or girlfriend or spouse, but let's also make it about loving others in the same way Christ has loved all of us! 

Here are a few verses about love that I really like :)

Romans 5:8

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  

1 Corinthians 16:14

Do everything in love.

John 15: 12-13

 My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

John 3:16

For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son so that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life.

Beautiful day, Beautiful life

                Does anyone else find it hard to believe that it’s already February?! It seems like just yesterday we were celebrating the start of 2014, but now we’re almost 2 months in. I never used to understand when adults would say “time flies by”, but now I do. In just 23 days, I’ll be 17 years old. I’ll be graduating in just over a year, and then not long after that I’ll be heading off to do whatever God wants me to; I don’t know what that is yet, but I do have a small idea, and I feel like that idea is confirmed a little more and more as time goes by. Anyways, that’s really not my point for this post. My point does, however, have to do with time. I have a lot on my mind that I want to share with you all tonight, so if this post seems a bit random at first, please just bare with me, because I promise I DO have a point.

                First of all, I have come to realize that I do not like winter all that much (random point #1). In the past when some one would ask me about my favorite season, I would say winter, with almost no hesitation. I loved the idea of snow, hot cocoa, a break from school, and of course, Christmas! Of course I do still love these things, but this past month has really strained my love for winter. It seems like this year so far has consisted of nothing but days with freezing cold temperatures, school cancellations (for various reasons), and snow and ice taking a hold to every outdoor surface. However, last Saturday the temperature got all the way up to 64 degrees, and the sun was out all day long! It was seriously an incredible day for me, and as I reflected on it later I realized that winter *isn’t* my favorite season (shocker! ;)) Now I feel like my favorite season is somewhere between spring and summer, where the daily temperature is just right and the sun stays in the sky without a sign of snow. I so enjoyed Saturday’s surprise weather, because I got to enjoy some time outside. I normally don’t spend much time outside, but right now, all I can think about is how amazing it’ll be when the weather is nice enough that I can go to the park and swing for hours, or treat my sister to ice cream at our town’s “Crisps” (don’t tell her I said that though ;)). The point I’m trying to make here, is that I really like what comes along with warmer weather. You know how some people say that sunshine makes you happier? Well as cliché as that may sound, it is SO true!! As much as I try not to complain about the cold, it’s not easy. However, the feeling of joy and happiness that I felt Saturday was a beautiful reminder that the sun will ALWAYS come back out; and I’m really looking forward to that.

                Alright, enough talk about the weather. Really, I just said all of this because I feel like it’s something I needed to say to lead up to my big point.  Another point I want to make goes back to something I mentioned earlier: Time is flying by. Seriously guys, I’m not trying to sound cheesy, but it’s true; life is short, and it’s going by a lot faster than I wish it would. From a very young age I've spent so much time planning my future, and now I’m almost 17, and all I want is to enjoy life. So many times I spend countless hours looking ahead and planning what I think would be a perfect and unforgettable moment, and I miss the moments I’m already standing in. So many times the words “Hold on, I gotta get my camera!” come out of my mouth, and by the time I get the picture, all I have left to remember of that moment is what’s on my SD card. Don’t get me wrong, I love taking pictures. As a scrapbooker and someone who simply loves to look back on special moments, pictures are very important to me! However, I don’t like that I spend so much time planning the perfect photo-op while at the same time I just want to enjoy that moment. I've seen so many pictures and heard so many people say “Live in the moment”, that for a long time I honestly felt like that was the most cliché phrase in the entire world. In addition to that, I thought it was something people said to persuade others to drink and party because “there might not be a tomorrow, so who cares what you do today?!” (Yes, I really thought this). However, now I see that this phrase is all about perspective. There are always going to be people who think this way, but for me, I’m choosing to live by what I think the *real* meaning is.

                Life is short. Each day is a gift from God and He gives us blessings in each and every moment. He doesn't give us an expiration date for our lives, because if He did we’d spend so much time dwelling on that, and we wouldn't think about Him and all of His love for us. He doesn't tell us how long we have to live for Him, so what are we waiting for?! Don’t waste even ONE moment. Don’t let one memory slip by. Don’t live like you’re gonna die, live like you've been given a new life! Because you have! He’s given us all new life, and it’s a free gift!

                And most of all, take the time to stop and live in the moment. It’s not a just cliché statement you get in fortune cookies or see on Pinterest; it’s a blessing. The ability to cherish and enjoy even the simplest of moments is the blessing of a lifetime, and I pray that we never forget this. Especially because even the simplest of moments can make for an absolutely beautiful day in the midst of the beautiful lives we've all been given.

Psalms 118:24 - This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.

~MAGICAL~

Hey friends! Lately I've been doing a lot of song writing (my new found hobby) and yesterday I shared a video of me singing me new original Christmas song on YouTube. It's called ~MAGICAL~

A friend of mine asked about the lyrics, so I thought I'd use this post to share them with you!

"Magical"

(verse 1)
There's something wonderful in the air, do you feel it
There's a star shining bright in the sky, do you see it
It's lighting the way to a little baby boy
And this child is the source of all our joy

(Chorus)
Look around, see the stars sparkling
Hear the angels sing Glory to the King
All this hope in one little child, how is it possible
Well I don't know, but the story's been told
And it's without a doubt ~ Magical ~

(verse 2)
The son of God sleeps the night away in a manger
But did Mary know that one day, He'd save her
He'd stretch out His arms and give up His life
But tonight He rests, while love and peace fill the night

(Chorus)

(Bridge)
Light of the world, you step down into darkness
Opened my eyes, let me see
Humbly you came to this earth you created
All for Love's sake became poor

(Chorus)

Light of the world, you step down into darkness
Opened my eyes, let me see

And there you go ~ The lyrics to "Magical"! As you probably noticed, the bridge is the lyrics from "Here I am to worship". As I was writing this song I got those words stuck in my head and thought they sounded pretty cool with mine, so I guess in a way my song is also a mash-up! I'm not really sure how else to describe it, ha-ha! Anyways, I hope you like the song! If you haven't heard it, you should check it out ;) Here's the link ~ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3fTNaVWsus

Also, I want to say "Thank You" to everyone who has commented about "Magical". I really appreciate your kind words and support, and I can't wait to share more of my originals with you soon :) MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

You lead, I'll follow

Well, this is it. Tomorrow morning we head to the airport, and Monday afternoon we'll be home. It's crazy to think 6 weeks have already passed, but they have, and they've been, well... interesting. For those of you who've read my other posts, you know what I've been going through, and what I've been feeling lately. Even so, I don't regret coming, and I'm so thankful I had this opportunity. There may have been some rough spots, but hey, God never said living life for Him would be easy! I really have enjoyed this trip, though. These kids have left handprints all over my heart, and that's what made today so difficult.

Today, I had to say one of the words I hate most... Goodbye.

Normally, we say "see you". And if this trip hadn't gone the way it did, I would've been able to say it with all the confidence in the world. But this trip didn't go the way I had expected, and it had a lot of twists and turns. That said, saying "see you" somewhat felt like a lie. Now don't misunderstand me, I know that even if I have to wait till the day the good Lord takes me home, I WILL see them again. I believe that with all my heart! However, "see you" to these people means either "see you soon" or "see you next year". I can't even count how many times I was asked "when will you return to us?" or "You will be back next year, yes?" today. Last year I had no trouble saying "YES! I will be back!" and believing it. Today though... I couldn't say that. When I was saying goodbye to the kids, It was so hard to say "I don't know" when they asked the dreaded question. I actually started crying when I was hugging Prossy and Joanita, and what made it even harder, is that they both stayed strong and said "Don't cry, Taila! You will be back!" And I just tried to smile and nod, but agreeing was something I struggled to do. Of course I know there's a chance I'll be back, and I truly hope that's the case! But I just don't see these trips the way I used to... everything's changed. However, this doesn't change the fact that this evening, I fell apart telling a bunch of people I LOVE goodbye. In fact, it made it harder! Which is to be expected, I suppose.

As I hugged the children who hadn't already gone home (I didn't get to say goodbye to about half the kids, which made me cry even more!) and told them "see you" (as honestly as I could manage), I took a walk through the P4 and P5 classrooms, for memories sake, I guess. I don't know, I just couldn't resist one last look. And as I looked around at the broken desks, the dirt floors, and the chalkboards, I ended up at the window, watching some of the kids outside, and I let out a whispered cry to God asking "How can this all be over?!" And I imagine the kids were pretty concerned when they saw their mazungu teacher touching the chalkboard and struggling to keep her composure... to say that this evening was rough is an understatement, friends. It wrecked me! I cried the majority of the way home as I listened to "See You Again" by Carrie Underwood repeatedly on my iPod, and as soon as we got to the house I went to the bathroom to wash off the mud that had dried on my legs, and tried my best to not fall apart again. When my sister called later, I had pretty much composed myself and was eating chocolate cake... that made me feel a little better ;) Ha! I guess it's good I can laugh at it now, especially since this all happened just a few hours ago. Speaking of which, I'd like to give a big thank you to everyone who's shared encouraging words with me tonight! It means so much to me to have friends and family like y'all that really care about me, support me, and knowing that you've been praying this whole time is something I appreciate SO much! Y'all are seriously the best!

Well, it's almost midnight, so I guess I should probably turn in for the night. I'm just weird like this y'all, It's midnight and I'm wide awake! HA! I really should go to bed though. After all, we have 2 LONG days of travel ahead! That's another thing you can be praying for me about- the flights home. Specifically, the 13 hour flight from Addis Ababa back to Washington DC. I just don't do well with long flights, guys. I'm fine for the first 2 or 3 hours, and sometimes I have a miracle and I make it through 5 before I get restless! But by the time we reach hour 6, I'm just over it all. I can't sleep, can't get comfortable, my neck starts to hurt, and half the time I really just feel like crying! Ha! I guess I'm not as big of a travel lover as I used to be. I don't dislike flying, I just dislike flying for more than a couple of hours at a time. I used to think 8 hours was rough... nah, 8 hours is paradise!

I could go on a lot longer with all the stories from this trip, but the way I see it, most of you reading my blog posts will be people I see within the next few weeks or so, and you'll be hearing about these 6 weeks a lot! If you wanna know something specific, just ask! A lot of exciting things have happened, and even through the bad times, God still worked. That's one of my favorite things about Him. Even through the good AND the bad times, God never fails, and He always does something extraordinary. And to me, it's a reminder that I'm not perfect. I'm human, I make mistakes, I'm weak, and I can do nothing in my own strength. But God IS perfect, He doesn't make mistakes, He's strong and can do ALL things, and He is without a doubt, the best and most extraordinary thing in my life! He designed me, He has a plan for me, He knows what He's doing, and He's gonna lead me to where I need to be! And wherever that is, it's gonna be awesome and I know I'm gonna be happy! And whether you think so or not, He's gonna do the same for YOU too! I believe it... do you?

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." - Joshua 1:9 

I will trust You while I wait

I've been meaning to update my blog for a few days now, and today worked out perfectly to do it, because it's a public holiday and there is no school. Anyways, I want to say thank you for all the prayers and support y'all have been giving me since my last post. I have felt so much of that joy and excitement come back into my life, and it's such a relief to me! And although I know Satan isn't going to stop trying to discourage me, I'm also not going to let him win the battle. He can't win the battle because our King has already won the war! This truth has kept me motivated for several days now, and I'm glad I have y'all to remind me. My friend Kat told me the other day- "The fact that you said you're scared this means it's over, proves that you don't want it to end!" And ever since I read her comment, her words have been echoing in my mind. She's right- I DON'T want it to end! But I feel this differently from how I used to. I used to not want to even leave Uganda, but now, I'm looking forward to going home and finding what God wants me to do there. For the longest time I've felt called to Uganda long term, but I'm not sure I do any more. I'm not saying I can't see myself coming back, but I think I just got ahead of myself and figured since God has called me to missions, that He was leading me here. And He very well might be! I would love to come back again after this trip; but at least for right now, I can only see myself here short term. I can't see myself living here like I used to plan on doing after I graduate next year.

Wanna know the cool thing though? This time, I'm not worried. It doesn't scare me or upset me that this might be my last time here for a while, but instead, I'm at peace with it. I guess that's how God is reassuring me that He isn't done yet. This time last week, I was wrecking my brain trying to figure out why I didn't feel the same joy as I used to, and that's when I became scared that my time here was all coming to an end... and I really don't want it to end! But at the same time, I have peace with this possibility because I know God has a plan and He is going to lead me where I can bring glory to Him. Later that evening after I posted on my blog, I was reminded by one of my favorite singers (Lauryn Taylor Bach; now in 1 Girl Nation), that God knows where I'll be the happiest. For the past few years, I've felt happiest here in Uganda, but I know that wherever He leads me, I'll be even happier there! It's interesting to think about, but I know it's true. 

Lately I've been reminded that God's plan is so big, that we can't even possibly begin to understand or imagine it. And I'm thinking this truth has been on my mind because Uganda has been MY dream. I've dreamt about moving to Uganda, teaching the children, adopting some of my own, and making a beautiful life here. But that's just the thing... God is the one who made my beautiful life and has it planned out- NOT me. Whether or not He's wanting me in Uganda long term still hasn't been revealed, so I'm choosing to take a step back and let Him lead. And this is where the peace comes in! Normally, I would be panicking right now, wondering why I can't see the path I'm supposed to take. However, I'm not the same me. I've changed a lot, because God has changed me. And I know that I just have to stop searching for the answers, and know that He's going to have His way, and that His way is the best way.

All of this said, I want you to know that I really am enjoying this trip. The students are wonderful and have reminded me time and time again why I love being here... and they've done it without even trying! Yesterday morning I danced around the school yard with several children holding on to me who were laughing and singing and dancing along as well! The teachers just watched and laughed, thinking I was crazy. And I was... crazy determined to make the supposedly "worst day of the week", the best day to the start of many more best days to come! I had a wonderful day, although somewhat crazy, but I like that it was crazy... It was crazy good! And it wasn't anything I did, but rather what God did. He reminded me that this trip was indeed part of His plan, and that He had made that evident before I even came. He reminded me that for now, He does want me here, because it's part of what He's preparing me for.

Thanks again to everyone who has been praying for me and supporting me all this time. To mom and dad- thanks for always believing in me and supporting where God has me right now, even though I know you wish I wasn't so far away. Love you both so much and I can't wait to see you again! Sydney- In your own way, I know you support me too. I feel your prayers and love even though we haven't really talked about it much, and I love you so much lil sister! To all of my family- Having your prayers and support means more to me then you can imagine. Kaylee Wilson, you're the one who encouraged me not to give up when Google tried to keep me out of my blog, and now, I'm posting my 3rd update for this trip! Thanks for that, and thanks to all of you for supporting me, and for believing in me, and I hope I can continue to make you proud. To all my friends- thanks so much for the encouraging words you've given me through the hard days, and for continuing to pray for me even in the good days. You all mean the world to me, my dear friends, and I'm so thankful God has filled my life with amazing people like you to remind me that God is going to make me stronger through all of this. Miss y'all and can't wait to give you big hugs when I get back! To my amazing church family- Y'all have supported me in these trips for almost 4 years now, and I can't begin to tell you how much this means to me. Having your encouragement and prayers means so much, and I am so thankful for you all! I want you to know that I do feel God is in this trip, as He has been in the others, and as He will be if or when I come back again. That said, Thanks to each and every one of you!

From this day forward, with all of my readers as witnesses, I believe that God is leading me somewhere big. It may be to Uganda, it may not. But I'm giving up my dreams. I'm gonna stop listening to my own heart and trying to chase after it's hopes, and instead, I'm gonna follow God's heart. After all, doing that is the only way I'm ever going to be able to fulfill my heart's desire... or rather, how He will. For those of you who read my blog about it before the trip, you remember that my heart's desire is to make a mark, to make a change... To change the world.

I truly believe with all my heart that, as long as I follow God's heart, my heart's desire will be fulfilled. Because if I follow His heart, His desires become mine, and everything else will work together for good and for His glory.

I need only trust in Him, believe He's still working, and wait. 

Fight Forever

For this post, I'm going to go a different direction from my original intentions. Normally, I would update y'all on the latest news about the school, how my teaching is going, how the kids are doing, something interesting I experienced... I usually just tell you what's been happening. But today, I have something else to tell you about. I'd like to share with you about something I have personally been struggling with, and honestly, I didn't want anyone to know at first. Not because I want y'all to think everything is perfect and happy all the time, but because what I've been facing these last few days has me a little, scared, I suppose. But my dad told me last night, "God has blessed us with wonderful people who will rise up and pray with us." And after hearing that, I knew I needed my prayer warriors... especially now.

            Most of you know that normally, all I ever talk about is how I want to be in Uganda. You've all heard me say that "I miss them so much!" and "I want to be there so badly." and sometimes "5 weeks just doesn't feel like enough time." For some of you, you can probably remember me saying on a couple of occasions, "I really just can't imagine being anywhere else." And at the time, I meant it with everything in my soul. Even when we were coming here, and when we landed and I felt that joy again, and even for the first few days, my heart still sung those words. But now, I don't hear that song anymore. That fire that was once burning in my heart, longing to be in this place... I no longer feel the flames. I'm not saying that I don't love being here, please don't misunderstand me. I'm just trying to explain that, in some ways, I don't feel like my heart is here anymore. That piece of my heart that I've always felt was left here... I can't seem to find it. It's like I just can't seem to put all of myself into this work like I used to, and that is what scares me.

            I don't really know how this feeling crept it's way into my mind. A few days ago, I remember being so on fire, and ready to go. Michael was telling me earlier that day that my nana and paps had told him about how I felt lead to the mission field, and that I was wanting to come here. Well, I didn't really want Michael to know that yet, because he tends to get ahead of himself and expect things, and at this point I'm really trying to find what God wants me to do. But he knows now, and I can't change that. And at first, I was okay with it because he was just saying that he was praying for me to come, and that the teachers and the church were praying, and that he had an office already planned out for me if I came. I felt so honored! But then at the PTA meeting later that day, he told all the teachers "And she has promised me that very soon, she will return and be with us for many, many, many years!!"

            THAT was the exact reason I had been keeping my feelings to myself. I never promised that to Michael, and never once did I say the words "many, many, many years." But I couldn't correct him, so I just gave it to God, because knew I needed to wait, and see what his plan was. Later that evening, I realized that this very well might be my last trip to Uganda for a while. This time next year is when I really need to be looking into schools, and attending college visit days, and trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing. But if I do that, I won't be able to come to Uganda. And if I don't do it then, it will be quite a while before I'll be able to come back.

            Well, as I considered this, I decided to just enjoy every moment, and not let even one go to waste, just in case this was my last time for a while. And for about 2 days, I was resting in this, and I felt at peace.

I had no idea that it was only temporary peace.

            Suddenly, I wasn't as confident as I used to be in what I thought God's plan for me was. I used to feel so sure that He was leading me to Uganda, that I would have promised Michael that I'd be coming back for a long time. But now, I can't say those words without the sound of question shaking my voice. Since Sunday night, I've started to have late night conversations with God in my room, where I would spend close to half an hour just pacing the floors, trying to make sense of what I was feeling. Mostly, I was trying to rationalize the confusion, which I quickly realized was not going to be a possibility.  I remember telling God:

 "I used to think you had spelled everything out to me; like you had made the way perfectly clear. But now I feel doubtful, and It scares me, God. I don't feel as passionate about this place as I used to. I can't see myself being here long term, anymore. And in less than a year, I'm going to have a huge decision to make, and I'm afraid of taking the wrong road. I used to feel lead to Uganda, but lately, I could also see myself being a counselor, working with teens who have been struggling. But on the other hand, you just helped me write 2 songs, and they came so naturally, that now I'm wondering if you're leading me into the music ministry!! God, everything used to seem so clear. But now it's just all a blur, and the lines don't seem as straight visible as they did before. Please, just show me the way. Let your plan become known to me, because I can't handle this. I can't handle this confusion on my own, God, and I don't want to get off track again!"

            I wasn't sure how to tell all of you about this, or if I was even going to. I was afraid you would think that this trip never really meant anything to me, and that's simply not the case. This time 2 weeks ago, I was bouncing off the walls with excitement. But now... I'm not bouncing anymore. I feel like Satan has both hands on me, and he's dragging me down with all his power. That joy in my heart I told you about in my last post... I can't find it anymore, and I'm scared that this means it's over. But I'm even more afraid that this IS where I'm supposed to be, and I'm not putting all of my heart and soul into it, and I'm gonna get off God's track for me again, and I don't want to do that! Everything seems so different now, and I don't like this feeling of confusion and darkness clouding up my mind. I want that joy back!! I want the fire to ignite in my soul again, I want God's dreams for my life to become reality, and I want to help the lost get found!!

The problem is... how do I help the lost get found, when I feel lost myself?

            Alright, I'm crying now, so I'm gonna wrap this up. I just want to ask you to please pray for me, that the joy I once had will come back, and that somehow, the flames will grow bigger, and I won't feel this way anymore. And also, please pray that God will make his plan for me known. But most of all, please join me in beating Satan with the power of prayer. Because alone, I can do nothing. But I know, even now, that when a bunch of God fearing believers rise up, join hands, and work together.... He is made powerless, and God is VICTORIOUS!

My favorite band, Anthem Lights, has a song called Fight Forever. And from it, this is what my soul is chanting:

I'm not done fighting. I'm not raising the white flag, and I'm not gonna run or turn back. 

I'm not done fighting. I'm not raising the white flag, and I'm not gonna run or turn back. 

I'm not done fighting. I'm not raising the white flag, and I'm not gonna run or turn back.

I'm gonna fight forever.