The Gifts I've Been Given

“Is this the right way?”

I’ve realized that I’ve asked myself and God this question a lot lately. So much so, in fact, that it’s hard to admit. After everything that happened with my “Africa plan”, the idea of choosing a way to go has been constantly on my mind. I know where my passion is, I know what I dream of and aspire to be, and personally, I believe I have the drive to reach it if it’s God’s will for me. I truly believe He’s leading me to this, and I feel it now more than ever.

So why is it that I still doubt?

I don’t doubt that this is my dream, or that God is leading me to do something in the music ministry. I don’t doubt that He can and will use me, or that He will show me what His plan is for me. I don’t doubt any of these things. I do, however, doubt myself. I know that everybody has doubts sometimes, but it’s sort of a new thing for me in this area. Like I said in a previous post, I never really had many doubts with Africa. When I did start to have doubts, I could tell that it was God saying He wanted me somewhere else. Then when I started to doubt that God could use me, He showed me that he has plans and dreams for me, and that I can do the impossible because He has given me the strength to do so.

The doubts I’ve had in the past didn’t bother me as much as the doubts I have now do.

It just seems like my dream is unreachable, because I don’t know where to start to get to it. Everywhere I go, I seem to always be reminded that I have to work if I ever want my dreams to, and I don’t disagree whatsoever. I’m not afraid to work hard for this, and the hard work it’ll take to get there and stay there is actually part of what excites me about it! The motivation for me to reach for my “impossible dream” is always there. So maybe I don’t doubt that I could reach it, as much as I doubt that I’m good enough. It always goes back to my problem with comparison. I look up to and aspire to be like my favorite artists, and when I don’t “measure up” to where *I think* I should be, I start to doubt myself. Hitting a wrong note while singing along to my favorite song is enough to make me question whether or not I could ever be good enough to sing my own songs. It’s a silly way of thinking, yes; but it’s the way I've been thinking. I wish I could say I've got a perfect solution, simply to settle my own anxiety, but I don’t. But I am so thankful for a God who does know how to settle my anxious heart, and that He’s a God that will do exactly that. While doing my school work this morning, I started to think about my doubts again. Then, I realized something; or rather, I asked myself something. It’s a question I've had to ask myself over and over again through out the years, and asking myself this question has always been a moment when God reminds me that I’m His, and that He is all powerful. And the question I ask of myself is this:

“When did I start to give myself boundaries on what I can do based off of the talents, capabilities, and blessings of others?”

In middle school I looked to the popular girls to see who I needed to be to fit in. I let looks and popularity define my happiness. In my first few years of high school, I strived to be who the world thought I needed to be. The clothes, the personality, the clothing size… I let it define my happiness. Now, I’ve been looking at musicians and singers and thinking “I can’t sing like that”, or “I can’t play guitar like that”, and I've let it be my goal point. I've mentally created this high point for myself and said “once you can sing like this you’ll be there”, and “once you can play like this you’ll be there.” Basically I’ve said “when you get to this point, you’ll be happy.” And you know what? I’ve been lying to myself.

I see now that my happiness won’t come from being as talented as the musicians and singers that I’ve strived to be like. God has given me talents and gifts of my own, and He has a plan specifically made for me. He made me to serve Him and glorify Him with the blessings He’s given me, and I see now that wishing I had someone else’s gifts and talents is like ignoring the one’s I have… just like when I used to wish I could look like someone else.

The truth is that God has blessed me with a love for music and singing. He’s given me the talent to do so, but it’s up to me to learn how to use this gift properly and to His glory. I may not be able to hit a high note like Ariana Grande, but seriously, who besides her can?! I may not be a master guitarist, but I’m learning. I may not be a professional song writer, but I believe with all of my heart that God has given me something to say, and I love to write my own songs.

Originally I was going to write this all out in my journal, but I decided to share it with all of you incase any of you are in the same place I am right now. Maybe you have a dream and passion for something, but you’ve placed limits on yourself like I have. Or maybe you’re a senior like I am, and you’re trying to decide where God is leading you… He’ll show you. I can’t say that I’ve seen many burning bushes lately, but God has said that He’s going to use us in wondrous ways that we can’t even imagine. That said, my challenge to all of you, including myself, is this.

Let’s embrace the gifts God’s given us, and use them where He leads.

1 Peter 4:10- Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God's grace in its various forms.

Romans 12:6a- In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. 

Jeremiah 33:3- Call to me and I will answer you. I’ll show you great and unsearchable things that you do not know. 

Am I dreaming too big?

This question has been on my mind a lot lately... more so now than ever. When I was little I didn't think it was possible to dream "too big". As a child I was constantly changing my mind, finding new dreams, and my imagination grew more and more wild. Nothing was impossible, and I could be anything I wanted to be! And believe me, at the time, I dreamt of everything... but of all my dreams, only one has remained. Singing. When I was little I used to sing all the time; I'd perform for my family, my church, in school talent shows... every chance I got. For a few years I was even convinced I was meant to be the next Taylor Swift. I'm not even kidding. Then when I was 13, I went through a really hard time, and in addition to all the other things that brought me down in that year to come, a sudden hit of reality crashed into me... my dream wasn't something that I could just walk into. It was something that would come with a lot of challenges, and at 14 years old, I came to the conclusion that my dream was unrealistic and impossible. For a while I did my best not to think about it, and then it seemed that God showed me my perfect path, my destiny! I truly believed He was telling me Uganda was my future. After all, I know He's called me to the mission field. At the time, though, I was pretty closed minded to the idea of not being led overseas... somehow I had gotten the impression that foreign missions was what I had to do if I was going to follow this call to the mission field. I in no way thought that was the ONLY mission field, but I was 99% positive it was the mission field I was being directed towards.

Then a trip to Uganda actually showed me that I needed to be more open minded and really pray about that other 1%.

I'm going to be completely honest with you guys and just tell you that I didn't really expect that the 1% of the equation would turn out to be my "impossible dream"... and I never imagined it could seem more possible than a future in Uganda. I mean, if i'm being totally real with you guys, I had all but forgotten about my dream of being a singer until then. I daydreamed about it occasionally, but suddenly it was all I could think about, to the point that the idea of failure set it. I guess that's what made all of this real for me; with my dream of Uganda, I never wondered if I was dreaming too big. I never wondered if what I was doing would be too difficult, or if it would have challenges I couldn't handle... I never even questioned if I could live a life like that. I was just all in, ready to go, no doubts. So in the fall of 2013 when all of the fears, questions, and doubts hit at once, I knew something wasn't right, and I knew God was trying to tell me something. Even so, when my dream of singing started to redevelop and stir my heart in ways I had never experienced before, I was hesitant to dream "too big". After all, the one thing that made sense to me for so long was suddenly fading out of the picture, and I was scared to feel let down again.

Eventually I opened up to the idea that this could possibly be a road worth pursuing, at least for a little while. I figured if nothing else, I could at least keep it as a hobby; singing and songwriting, I mean. Then as time passed and 2014 rolled around, I got more and more into the idea, and I really started to ask God if this is what He had in store for me. Before long I started to put all of myself into this dream. All I could, anyways. About that time was when the fears set in; the doubts and the wondering. I remember going into my room one afternoon when I was feeling particularly doubtful; I began pacing the floor and speaking my heart to God, asking Him to guide me and reveal his plan to me. I remember the words "I can't handle the confusion! I can't do this alone!" had come from my mouth as a cry for help. That's what it was... because I needed God's help with this. I was feeling confused about what to do, doubtful that my dream could come true, and above all, I felt completely and totally useless for what I was dreaming. The fear of not being good enough, or not being capable... the fear of failing... It all felt like too much. The idea of me being a Christian artist and touching lives with the message of God in songs I could write, and inspiring young people the way may favorite artists inspire me... well, let's just say it was an intimidating idea, and over all I just couldn't see how God could use me for something that important. I had heard several people say that if your dream doesn't scare you a bit or isn't intimidating, you might not be dreaming big enough. This was some comfort to me, but not the comfort I needed. I needed God's comfort... and I got it.

In the midst of all of this... in my moment of weakness, in my moment of fear and doubt, I felt God there with me. I felt His comforting embrace, and I felt Him whisper into my heart. Now anytime I feel doubtful, I simply remember that when I can't do something, God walks with me and says "But I can."

The doubts still come sometimes, but not nearly as much as they used to. Lately though, a new question has been captivating me, and it's the one that inspired this post: Am I dreaming too big? I mean really, could I just be letting my imagination run wild? Am I thinking unrealistically here? Maybe. That's what I told myself: maybe. I wondered about this for a while, and eventually just tried to bury it deep inside of me and forget about it. And for a while I succeeded in not letting the question rule my thoughts. Then March 8th came around, and everything resurfaced... In a very surprising way.

My mom and I had made the journey to Louisville Ky that weekend for the Girls of Grace conference. I was registered for the VIP experience (my birthday present) and couldn't wait for the day's events to unfold... mostly because I was going to get to meet Britt Nicole, who was performing that afternoon. In the weeks leading up to the conference I had thought over and over again about what I wanted to say to her. At one point I really considered sharing my dreams with her and asking for prayer, but when the big day finally came, I didn't even think about it. Not even when she walked into the VIP meet and greet area, and not even when she came over to me. She signed my cd and poster, we took a picture, we talked for a while, we hugged... but I never shared my heart with her. I did tell her that her music had helped me through a lot and that she has really inspired me, but I just didn't feel the urge to say anything else. A minute later I noticed that when signing my poster, she had written "I believe in you!" in the corner above her name... I almost cried. I hadn't told her what I had thought about telling her, yet she still wrote it. Those three little words touched my heart, and everytime I look at that poster on my wall, all I can do is smile. But that wasn't all that happened that touched me- nope, God worked wonders through Britt that day, and I'm still amazed how it all happened. When she was on stage, she mentioned me and said that she remembered meeting me backstage. I remember only a few parts of the next few minutes, because what happened left me completely shocked. I remember her saying she remembered me and talking about me for a minute... but it wasn't until a few weeks ago that I was reminded of another piece of the day. A friend of mine who I met at the concert had taken a video of Britt talking to me from stage and shared part of it on instagram. When I watched it back, it was Britt looking at me and saying "He (God) want's you to dream big, Taylor. He wants you to dream bigger than you ever thought you could! He says that you can do the impossible- He says that over your life!"

I saw this video for the first time about a month ago, probably... God's message for me in it just hit me this morning. I was watching it and I realized something she said towards the end: "He says that you can do the IMPOSSIBLE". I've thought about those words she spoke over and over again, yet somehow I'm just now seeing that God gave me my answer. I can do the impossible- this is something I've wondered about time and time again, and God used Britt to tell me that I wasn't dreaming "too big", and that with Him at my side, I can do the impossible. My impossible dream isn't too big for God, and He will use me according to His plan. The same goes for you and YOUR impossible dream... It isn't too big for God, and He will use you according to His plan.

He just needs us to be willing. 

Love Day

Naturally I threw myself a bit of a pity party this morning as I am single on the one day when everyone is talking about their relationships. However, I'm done with that now. Yeah, I wish I had a boyfriend... But who says Valentines Day is all about having a significant other?! I have an awesome family and an amazing group of friends whom I love VERY much, and I know they love me! Also, I have a Heavenly Father who loves me enough that He sent His son to die for me... THAT is love. So although I do want to be in a relationship, I'm still 16, and I'm not gonna dwell on the fact that I'm a single pringle right now. Besides, the guy God has for me is worth waiting for. I just wish I knew how long I'll be waiting ;) 

I want to say Happy Valentines Day to all of you reading this. Let's not make this day just about having a boyfriend or girlfriend or spouse, but let's also make it about loving others in the same way Christ has loved all of us! 

Here are a few verses about love that I really like :)

Romans 5:8

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  

1 Corinthians 16:14

Do everything in love.

John 15: 12-13

 My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

John 3:16

For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son so that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life.

Beautiful day, Beautiful life

                Does anyone else find it hard to believe that it’s already February?! It seems like just yesterday we were celebrating the start of 2014, but now we’re almost 2 months in. I never used to understand when adults would say “time flies by”, but now I do. In just 23 days, I’ll be 17 years old. I’ll be graduating in just over a year, and then not long after that I’ll be heading off to do whatever God wants me to; I don’t know what that is yet, but I do have a small idea, and I feel like that idea is confirmed a little more and more as time goes by. Anyways, that’s really not my point for this post. My point does, however, have to do with time. I have a lot on my mind that I want to share with you all tonight, so if this post seems a bit random at first, please just bare with me, because I promise I DO have a point.

                First of all, I have come to realize that I do not like winter all that much (random point #1). In the past when some one would ask me about my favorite season, I would say winter, with almost no hesitation. I loved the idea of snow, hot cocoa, a break from school, and of course, Christmas! Of course I do still love these things, but this past month has really strained my love for winter. It seems like this year so far has consisted of nothing but days with freezing cold temperatures, school cancellations (for various reasons), and snow and ice taking a hold to every outdoor surface. However, last Saturday the temperature got all the way up to 64 degrees, and the sun was out all day long! It was seriously an incredible day for me, and as I reflected on it later I realized that winter *isn’t* my favorite season (shocker! ;)) Now I feel like my favorite season is somewhere between spring and summer, where the daily temperature is just right and the sun stays in the sky without a sign of snow. I so enjoyed Saturday’s surprise weather, because I got to enjoy some time outside. I normally don’t spend much time outside, but right now, all I can think about is how amazing it’ll be when the weather is nice enough that I can go to the park and swing for hours, or treat my sister to ice cream at our town’s “Crisps” (don’t tell her I said that though ;)). The point I’m trying to make here, is that I really like what comes along with warmer weather. You know how some people say that sunshine makes you happier? Well as cliché as that may sound, it is SO true!! As much as I try not to complain about the cold, it’s not easy. However, the feeling of joy and happiness that I felt Saturday was a beautiful reminder that the sun will ALWAYS come back out; and I’m really looking forward to that.

                Alright, enough talk about the weather. Really, I just said all of this because I feel like it’s something I needed to say to lead up to my big point.  Another point I want to make goes back to something I mentioned earlier: Time is flying by. Seriously guys, I’m not trying to sound cheesy, but it’s true; life is short, and it’s going by a lot faster than I wish it would. From a very young age I've spent so much time planning my future, and now I’m almost 17, and all I want is to enjoy life. So many times I spend countless hours looking ahead and planning what I think would be a perfect and unforgettable moment, and I miss the moments I’m already standing in. So many times the words “Hold on, I gotta get my camera!” come out of my mouth, and by the time I get the picture, all I have left to remember of that moment is what’s on my SD card. Don’t get me wrong, I love taking pictures. As a scrapbooker and someone who simply loves to look back on special moments, pictures are very important to me! However, I don’t like that I spend so much time planning the perfect photo-op while at the same time I just want to enjoy that moment. I've seen so many pictures and heard so many people say “Live in the moment”, that for a long time I honestly felt like that was the most cliché phrase in the entire world. In addition to that, I thought it was something people said to persuade others to drink and party because “there might not be a tomorrow, so who cares what you do today?!” (Yes, I really thought this). However, now I see that this phrase is all about perspective. There are always going to be people who think this way, but for me, I’m choosing to live by what I think the *real* meaning is.

                Life is short. Each day is a gift from God and He gives us blessings in each and every moment. He doesn't give us an expiration date for our lives, because if He did we’d spend so much time dwelling on that, and we wouldn't think about Him and all of His love for us. He doesn't tell us how long we have to live for Him, so what are we waiting for?! Don’t waste even ONE moment. Don’t let one memory slip by. Don’t live like you’re gonna die, live like you've been given a new life! Because you have! He’s given us all new life, and it’s a free gift!

                And most of all, take the time to stop and live in the moment. It’s not a just cliché statement you get in fortune cookies or see on Pinterest; it’s a blessing. The ability to cherish and enjoy even the simplest of moments is the blessing of a lifetime, and I pray that we never forget this. Especially because even the simplest of moments can make for an absolutely beautiful day in the midst of the beautiful lives we've all been given.

Psalms 118:24 - This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.