“Is this the
right way?”
I’ve
realized that I’ve asked myself and God this question a lot lately. So much so,
in fact, that it’s hard to admit. After everything that happened with my “Africa plan”, the idea of choosing a way to go has been
constantly on my mind. I know where my passion is, I know what I dream of and
aspire to be, and personally, I believe I have the drive to reach it if it’s
God’s will for me. I truly believe He’s leading me to this, and I feel it now
more than ever.
So why is it
that I still doubt?
I don’t
doubt that this is my dream, or that God is leading me to do something in the
music ministry. I don’t doubt that He can and will use me, or that He will show
me what His plan is for me. I don’t doubt any of these things. I do, however,
doubt myself. I know that everybody has doubts sometimes, but it’s sort of a
new thing for me in this area. Like I said in a previous post, I never really
had many doubts with Africa . When I did start
to have doubts, I could tell that it was God saying He wanted me somewhere
else. Then when I started to doubt that God could use me, He showed me that he
has plans and dreams for me, and that I can do the impossible because He has
given me the strength to do so.
The doubts
I’ve had in the past didn’t bother me as much as the doubts I have now do.
It just
seems like my dream is unreachable, because I don’t know where to start to get
to it. Everywhere I go, I seem to always be reminded that I have to work if I
ever want my dreams to, and I don’t disagree whatsoever. I’m not afraid to work
hard for this, and the hard work it’ll take to get there and stay there is
actually part of what excites me about it! The motivation for me to reach for
my “impossible dream” is always there. So maybe I don’t doubt that I could
reach it, as much as I doubt that I’m good enough. It always goes back to my
problem with comparison. I look up to and aspire to be like my favorite
artists, and when I don’t “measure up” to where *I think* I should be, I start
to doubt myself. Hitting a wrong note while singing along to my favorite song
is enough to make me question whether or not I could ever be good enough to
sing my own songs. It’s a silly way of thinking, yes; but it’s the way I've been thinking. I wish I could say I've got a perfect solution, simply to settle
my own anxiety, but I don’t. But I am so thankful for a God who does know how
to settle my anxious heart, and that He’s a God that will do exactly that.
While doing my school work this morning, I started to think about my doubts
again. Then, I realized something; or rather, I asked myself something. It’s a
question I've had to ask myself over and over again through out the years, and
asking myself this question has always been a moment when God reminds me that
I’m His, and that He is all powerful. And the question I ask of myself is this:
“When did I
start to give myself boundaries on what I can do based off of the talents,
capabilities, and blessings of others?”
In middle
school I looked to the popular girls to see who I needed to be to fit in. I let
looks and popularity define my happiness. In my first few years of high school,
I strived to be who the world thought I needed to be. The clothes, the
personality, the clothing size… I let it define my happiness. Now, I’ve been
looking at musicians and singers and thinking “I can’t sing like that”, or “I
can’t play guitar like that”, and I've let it be my goal point. I've mentally
created this high point
I see now
that my happiness won’t come from being as talented as the musicians and
singers that I’ve strived to be like. God has given me talents and gifts of my
own, and He has a plan specifically made for me. He made me to serve Him and
glorify Him with the blessings He’s given me, and I see now that wishing I had
someone else’s gifts and talents is like ignoring the one’s I have… just like
when I used to wish I could look like someone else.
The truth is
that God has blessed me with a love for music and singing. He’s given me the
talent to do so, but it’s up to me to learn how to use this gift properly and
to His glory. I may not be able to hit a high note like Ariana Grande, but seriously,
who besides her can?! I may not be a master guitarist, but I’m learning. I may
not be a professional song writer, but I believe with all of my heart that God
has given me something to say, and I love to write my own songs.
Originally I
was going to write this all out in my journal, but I decided to share it with
all of you incase any of you are in the same place I am right now. Maybe you have
a dream and passion for something, but you’ve placed limits on yourself like I
have. Or maybe you’re a senior like I am, and you’re trying to decide where God
is leading you… He’ll show you. I can’t say that I’ve seen many burning bushes
lately, but God has said that He’s going to use us in wondrous ways that we
can’t even imagine. That said, my challenge to all of you, including myself, is
this.
Let’s embrace
the gifts God’s given us, and use them where He leads.
1 Peter 4:10- Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve
others, as faithful stewards of God's grace in its various forms.
Romans 12:6a- In
his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well.
Jeremiah
33:3- Call to me and I will answer you. I’ll show you great and unsearchable
things that you do not know.
