This question has been on my mind a lot lately... more so now than ever. When I was little I didn't think it was possible to dream "too big". As a child I was constantly changing my mind, finding new dreams, and my imagination grew more and more wild. Nothing was impossible, and I could be anything I wanted to be! And believe me, at the time, I dreamt of everything... but of all my dreams, only one has remained. Singing. When I was little I used to sing all the time; I'd perform for my family, my church, in school talent shows... every chance I got. For a few years I was even convinced I was meant to be the next Taylor Swift. I'm not even kidding. Then when I was 13, I went through a really hard time, and in addition to all the other things that brought me down in that year to come, a sudden hit of reality crashed into me... my dream wasn't something that I could just walk into. It was something that would come with a lot of challenges, and at 14 years old, I came to the conclusion that my dream was unrealistic and impossible. For a while I did my best not to think about it, and then it seemed that God showed me my perfect path, my destiny! I truly believed He was telling me Uganda was my future. After all, I know He's called me to the mission field. At the time, though, I was pretty closed minded to the idea of not being led overseas... somehow I had gotten the impression that foreign missions was what I had to do if I was going to follow this call to the mission field. I in no way thought that was the ONLY mission field, but I was 99% positive it was the mission field I was being directed towards.
Then a trip to Uganda actually showed me that I needed to be more open minded and really pray about that other 1%.
I'm going to be completely honest with you guys and just tell you that I didn't really expect that the 1% of the equation would turn out to be my "impossible dream"... and I never imagined it could seem more possible than a future in Uganda. I mean, if i'm being totally real with you guys, I had all but forgotten about my dream of being a singer until then. I daydreamed about it occasionally, but suddenly it was all I could think about, to the point that the idea of failure set it. I guess that's what made all of this real for me; with my dream of Uganda, I never wondered if I was dreaming too big. I never wondered if what I was doing would be too difficult, or if it would have challenges I couldn't handle... I never even questioned if I could live a life like that. I was just all in, ready to go, no doubts. So in the fall of 2013 when all of the fears, questions, and doubts hit at once, I knew something wasn't right, and I knew God was trying to tell me something. Even so, when my dream of singing started to redevelop and stir my heart in ways I had never experienced before, I was hesitant to dream "too big". After all, the one thing that made sense to me for so long was suddenly fading out of the picture, and I was scared to feel let down again.
Eventually I opened up to the idea that this could possibly be a road worth pursuing, at least for a little while. I figured if nothing else, I could at least keep it as a hobby; singing and songwriting, I mean. Then as time passed and 2014 rolled around, I got more and more into the idea, and I really started to ask God if this is what He had in store for me. Before long I started to put all of myself into this dream. All I could, anyways. About that time was when the fears set in; the doubts and the wondering. I remember going into my room one afternoon when I was feeling particularly doubtful; I began pacing the floor and speaking my heart to God, asking Him to guide me and reveal his plan to me. I remember the words "I can't handle the confusion! I can't do this alone!" had come from my mouth as a cry for help. That's what it was... because I needed God's help with this. I was feeling confused about what to do, doubtful that my dream could come true, and above all, I felt completely and totally useless for what I was dreaming. The fear of not being good enough, or not being capable... the fear of failing... It all felt like too much. The idea of me being a Christian artist and touching lives with the message of God in songs I could write, and inspiring young people the way may favorite artists inspire me... well, let's just say it was an intimidating idea, and over all I just couldn't see how God could use me for something that important. I had heard several people say that if your dream doesn't scare you a bit or isn't intimidating, you might not be dreaming big enough. This was some comfort to me, but not the comfort I needed. I needed God's comfort... and I got it.
In the midst of all of this... in my moment of weakness, in my moment of fear and doubt, I felt God there with me. I felt His comforting embrace, and I felt Him whisper into my heart. Now anytime I feel doubtful, I simply remember that when I can't do something, God walks with me and says "But I can."
The doubts still come sometimes, but not nearly as much as they used to. Lately though, a new question has been captivating me, and it's the one that inspired this post: Am I dreaming too big? I mean really, could I just be letting my imagination run wild? Am I thinking unrealistically here? Maybe. That's what I told myself: maybe. I wondered about this for a while, and eventually just tried to bury it deep inside of me and forget about it. And for a while I succeeded in not letting the question rule my thoughts. Then March 8th came around, and everything resurfaced... In a very surprising way.
My mom and I had made the journey to Louisville Ky that weekend for the Girls of Grace conference. I was registered for the VIP experience (my birthday present) and couldn't wait for the day's events to unfold... mostly because I was going to get to meet Britt Nicole, who was performing that afternoon. In the weeks leading up to the conference I had thought over and over again about what I wanted to say to her. At one point I really considered sharing my dreams with her and asking for prayer, but when the big day finally came, I didn't even think about it. Not even when she walked into the VIP meet and greet area, and not even when she came over to me. She signed my cd and poster, we took a picture, we talked for a while, we hugged... but I never shared my heart with her. I did tell her that her music had helped me through a lot and that she has really inspired me, but I just didn't feel the urge to say anything else. A minute later I noticed that when signing my poster, she had written "I believe in you!" in the corner above her name... I almost cried. I hadn't told her what I had thought about telling her, yet she still wrote it. Those three little words touched my heart, and everytime I look at that poster on my wall, all I can do is smile. But that wasn't all that happened that touched me- nope, God worked wonders through Britt that day, and I'm still amazed how it all happened. When she was on stage, she mentioned me and said that she remembered meeting me backstage. I remember only a few parts of the next few minutes, because what happened left me completely shocked. I remember her saying she remembered me and talking about me for a minute... but it wasn't until a few weeks ago that I was reminded of another piece of the day. A friend of mine who I met at the concert had taken a video of Britt talking to me from stage and shared part of it on instagram. When I watched it back, it was Britt looking at me and saying "He (God) want's you to dream big, Taylor. He wants you to dream bigger than you ever thought you could! He says that you can do the impossible- He says that over your life!"
I saw this video for the first time about a month ago, probably... God's message for me in it just hit me this morning. I was watching it and I realized something she said towards the end: "He says that you can do the IMPOSSIBLE". I've thought about those words she spoke over and over again, yet somehow I'm just now seeing that God gave me my answer. I can do the impossible- this is something I've wondered about time and time again, and God used Britt to tell me that I wasn't dreaming "too big", and that with Him at my side, I can do the impossible. My impossible dream isn't too big for God, and He will use me according to His plan. The same goes for you and YOUR impossible dream... It isn't too big for God, and He will use you according to His plan.
He just needs us to be willing.
