Make Me Brave

I'm learning how to be brave.

I truthfully imagined that I would be okay with the concept of trust and "being courageous" after all God has delivered me from this past year, but tonight I realized that I'm still learning. Learning to give up control, learning to believe that there's a purpose and plan that are bigger than my vision, and I'm learning to trust that I'm loved by a God who's drawing me to it. With that, however, comes total abandonment of my control. It means rejecting everything I hold so dear, and whole-hardheartedly asking God to draw me beyond the shore and back into the waves. That's scary to me, especially since I feel like He just pulled me OUT of them. So why on God's great earth would I ask Him to lead me back? I don't like to be fearful, I don't like the unknown, so why would I ask Him to call me out of the boat into the uncharted storm? The interesting thing, however, is that as I'm typing this out, the answer just came to mind. There IS a reason I should ask Him to bring me back to that place, despite how uncomfortable it makes me.

Maybe it's where He's calling me to be.

Recently my pastor said something that rang so true in my mind and heart; he said "Solomon didn't ask God to change his circumstance." When He said that, I realized that I had been guilty of doing exactly that- asking God to tailor His plan for me because it wasn't easy. It wasn't all warm and fuzzy, and it wasn't comfortable. Some days, I felt like I was losing my mind. Never once, however, did I thank God for what He was doing. And at the time, I didn't see a reason to. There were moments that I was honestly mad at Him for what He was doing. But now I see things differently, and I AM grateful for what He did. It made me stronger... it made me braver. 

And yet, I'm still hesitant to ask Him to take me back.

I don't think God takes us to the valleys, deserts, and raging oceans to jerk us around and make us fearful. In fact, I'm certain that's not His purpose in it, because that's not who He is. He is Holy God, good and faithful Shepherd. No, I don't believe God takes us to the difficult places to harm us, but rather that He brings us there to sweetly break us. To some that may sound contradictory, but what we would all do well to remember is that we are a people in desperate need of a savior. We are all sinners, and in the flesh we are not seeking God. John 15:16 says "You did not choose me, but I chose you..." And because of this fact, we also tend to struggle to let go and let God do His work in us. THAT'S where the brokenness comes in. It's not an easy thing, but when you finally get to the place of brokenness, you realize that the only real thing you have is God.

The sweet part comes when you realize that this means you have all you could ever need. 

Truthfully, I'm still scared of the waves. I'm still scared to ask God to take me back out onto the water, to the place where I'm not the one in control. But as I started to write this post, I had the thought that maybe - just maybe - I'm asking Him for something more, and for something that is so much better than the storm I have to face to get to it. I'm asking Him to bring me to a place of complete submission, and total soul abandonment. A place of contentment in who He is and not this world or it's offerings to me. A place where I can do nothing but fall to my knees in awe of His majesty and who He is. A place of learning to trust in Him, have faith in Him, and to a place where he can truly make me brave. 


Psalm 27:14
Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD.

Proverbs 14:26

In the fear of the LORD there is strong confidence, And his children will have refuge.

Hebrews 4:16Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Psalm 91:2 

I will say to the Lord, "You are my place of safety and protection. You are my God and I trust you."

Welcome, 2016

Happy New Year!

Can you believe it's 2016?! It feels crazy to me! And to be honest, although it passed quickly, 2015 was also one of the longest, most emotionally exhausting years of my life. It was full of difficulties, heart ache, unknowns, anger, answers, celebration... it's been a roller coaster, to say the least! Not only that, but this roller coaster actually lasted two years! From October of 2013 to October of 2015, I went day by day just trying not to have an emotional breakdown from all the doubt and worry I had allowed to build up inside of me. But through it all, there are a few things I've come to discover.

1. Nothing here on earth is permanent. People, heart break, hard times, dreams- everything on this side of Heaven is temporary, and what really counts is what you make of these things, and how you embrace or handle them.

2. Discipleship is very important. This summer I began meeting with an adult from my church, and I've really appreciated having someone to go to for advice, spiritual guidance, and a different perspective.

3. It's great to have people to go to for support in the hard times, but it's crucial for God to be #1. If I had to pick 3 things I unintentionally did that made this struggle harder on myself, not going to God first would definitely be on the list. I've come to find that I am the kind of person that likes having someone be there for me physically, who I can see and go to for immediate help. And there's nothing wrong with that, except that when the going got tough, my first response was rarely prayer. Instead I would pull out my phone and call a friend, or I'd save my thoughts for the next time I got to talk with an adult I trust. But somewhere along the way I finally got it; I finally realized the importance and value in going to God first. My friends and church leaders can invest in my life and disciple me, but ultimately, God needs to be my life line... He wants to be that.

4. Pride can and will be a roadblock if you don't let it go. For so long I wrestled with God over what He was doing in my life, and although I know He did a lot of things in my life over these 2 years, I also realize now that I made it SO much harder than it had to be. Why? Pride, and my refusal to let go of the wheel. Take my advice... just let it go. There is so much freedom in giving up control.

5. When you pray for God to have His way, He is going to have His way. Sometimes He leads you somewhere you never thought you'd go, sometimes He confirms your desires, and sometimes He reveals that a dream you've had since you were 10 isn't what He has in store for you. But the cool thing is that when the third one happens, the first one happens, too. Just a few months ago, I felt my dream of being a singer slowly begin to fade. Me in the flesh still wanted to fight for it with everything in me, but at the end of the day, I had to embrace the truth; God had a different plan. It hurt for a while, but then something incredible happened. He took one of my heart's deepest desires and revealed to me that His plan DID involve it. He took my desire to see people come to the heart of God, feel His love, and experience His presence, and He called me to worship. It was a moment I still remember so well in my mind, and I pray I never lose sight of his glory and presence through it all.

6. You are never alone. It sounds cliche, but it's so true. Even in the darkest of nights when you feel so far gone, so out of reach, God sees you and He is with you. He truly and deeply cares for you, He loves you more than we can comprehend, and He wants the best for you.

These are just a few of the things I found out in 2015. And even though I know more today then I did January 1 of last year, I also know I still have a lot more to learn. I have a lot to experience, and a lot of growing to do. But I will tell you this...

I can't wait to see what God has in store for 2016.