I truthfully imagined that I would be okay with the concept of trust and "being courageous" after all God has delivered me from this past year, but tonight I realized that I'm still learning. Learning to give up control, learning to believe that there's a purpose and plan that are bigger than my vision, and I'm learning to trust that I'm loved by a God who's drawing me to it. With that, however, comes total abandonment of my control. It means rejecting everything I hold so dear, and whole-hardheartedly asking God to draw me beyond the shore and back into the waves. That's scary to me, especially since I feel like He just pulled me OUT of them. So why on God's great earth would I ask Him to lead me back? I don't like to be fearful, I don't like the unknown, so why would I ask Him to call me out of the boat into the uncharted storm? The interesting thing, however, is that as I'm typing this out, the answer just came to mind. There IS a reason I should ask Him to bring me back to that place, despite how uncomfortable it makes me.
Maybe it's where He's calling me to be.
Recently my pastor said something that rang so true in my mind and heart; he said "Solomon didn't ask God to change his circumstance." When He said that, I realized that I had been guilty of doing exactly that- asking God to tailor His plan for me because it wasn't easy. It wasn't all warm and fuzzy, and it wasn't comfortable. Some days, I felt like I was losing my mind. Never once, however, did I thank God for what He was doing. And at the time, I didn't see a reason to. There were moments that I was honestly mad at Him for what He was doing. But now I see things differently, and I AM grateful for what He did. It made me stronger... it made me braver.
And yet, I'm still hesitant to ask Him to take me back.
I don't think God takes us to the valleys, deserts, and raging oceans to jerk us around and make us fearful. In fact, I'm certain that's not His purpose in it, because that's not who He is. He is Holy God, good and faithful Shepherd. No, I don't believe God takes us to the difficult places to harm us, but rather that He brings us there to sweetly break us. To some that may sound contradictory, but what we would all do well to remember is that we are a people in desperate need of a savior. We are all sinners, and in the flesh we are not seeking God. John 15:16 says "You did not choose me, but I chose you..." And because of this fact, we also tend to struggle to let go and let God do His work in us. THAT'S where the brokenness comes in. It's not an easy thing, but when you finally get to the place of brokenness, you realize that the only real thing you have is God.
The sweet part comes when you realize that this means you have all you could ever need.
Truthfully, I'm still scared of the waves. I'm still scared to ask God to take me back out onto the water, to the place where I'm not the one in control. But as I started to write this post, I had the thought that maybe - just maybe - I'm asking Him for something more, and for something that is so much better than the storm I have to face to get to it. I'm asking Him to bring me to a place of complete submission, and total soul abandonment. A place of contentment in who He is and not this world or it's offerings to me. A place where I can do nothing but fall to my knees in awe of His majesty and who He is. A place of learning to trust in Him, have faith in Him, and to a place where he can truly make me brave.
Psalm 27:14
Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD.
Proverbs 14:26
In the fear of the LORD there is strong confidence, And his children will have refuge.
Hebrews 4:16Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
Psalm 91:2
I will say to the Lord, "You are my place of safety and protection. You are my God and I trust you."
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